How do you feel about changing yourself?

What do you think would happen if you began to change?

Do you think you can change? Why or why not?

These are the questions at the end of Chapter 4 in CoNM,

It's so painful to think about these things. I have to believe it will help in the end because the process sucks.

I want to change myself. I'm not entirely sure why I have been unable to. I have read/heard different theories such as it is "comfortable" to stick with the pain because it is familiar. It doesn't feel comfortable. It feels like Hell. It occurred to me today while rereading HP & the CoS that my brain feels like Azkaban. It is that negative, dark and despairing. How is that comfortable?

I do sometimes think I am scared to change. That my moments of happiness are so few that it feels scary and cruel knowing they will be replaced by hopelessness again.  I'd rather just stay in hopelessness and despair because I can't handle the loss. I always thought the line "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is pure and utter bullshit.

But I want change. I don't want to live in this negative mind any more. I realize it probably sounds lame and whiny to many people when I talk about how mentally tired I am, but it is a constant battle to fight off the negative thoughts and I inevitably seem to give up because I am so mentally exhausted.

I think if I could change that life would be lovely. I have so very, very much that is good and beautiful in my life and it makes me feel even worse that I have so many blessings and am so miserable. I've read over and over that depression is an illness, just like cancer, and it is not my fault, but that just doesn't feel true. I feel like it is my fault. Like I am lacking in something essential.

Life would be so much better.

I am not sure I have too much faith in my ability to change, given that I have been fighting depression for over 20 years.