How do you feel about changing yourself?

What do you think would happen if you began to change?

Do you think you can change? Why or why not?

These are the questions at the end of Chapter 4 in CoNM,

It's so painful to think about these things. I have to believe it will help in the end because the process sucks.

I want to change myself. I'm not entirely sure why I have been unable to. I have read/heard different theories such as it is "comfortable" to stick with the pain because it is familiar. It doesn't feel comfortable. It feels like Hell. It occurred to me today while rereading HP & the CoS that my brain feels like Azkaban. It is that negative, dark and despairing. How is that comfortable?

I do sometimes think I am scared to change. That my moments of happiness are so few that it feels scary and cruel knowing they will be replaced by hopelessness again.  I'd rather just stay in hopelessness and despair because I can't handle the loss. I always thought the line "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is pure and utter bullshit.

But I want change. I don't want to live in this negative mind any more. I realize it probably sounds lame and whiny to many people when I talk about how mentally tired I am, but it is a constant battle to fight off the negative thoughts and I inevitably seem to give up because I am so mentally exhausted.

I think if I could change that life would be lovely. I have so very, very much that is good and beautiful in my life and it makes me feel even worse that I have so many blessings and am so miserable. I've read over and over that depression is an illness, just like cancer, and it is not my fault, but that just doesn't feel true. I feel like it is my fault. Like I am lacking in something essential.

Life would be so much better.

I am not sure I have too much faith in my ability to change, given that I have been fighting depression for over 20 years.

So I am supposed to read what I wrote and write about my feelings.

It still hurts.

Not much has changed.

I wish my brain worked differently. There are tools out there that should help me, but I am so very beyond exhausted and the mental energy it takes to do them repeatedly is often too much.

I can't seem to shut off the negative thought loop.

I could have written the earlier post today. That is how little things have changed.

I feel sick and anxious most of the time.

I want to change, but I feel trapped.

How would I define codependency? Giving others too much power over my happiness and self-esteem.

I am in love with one of my best friends. I have been for almost two years. During the time I have given her so much power over my happiness, based on my interactions with her, usually texts. She was in a very toxic relationship. The other woman was not good to her. I was obsessed with wanting them to break up and I told myself it was because she deserved someone who would treat her right. Deep down I knew I only wanted that someone to be me and if she found someone who did treat her right who was not me, it would be painful in a different way.

That toxic person she was involved with broke up with her right before Christmas. She was devastated. I was there for her and helped her pull through it. We texted all the time and grew even closer. I hoped beyond hope that she would realize she cared for me the way I did for her. She knows how I feel about her.

Then about 3 weeks ago she met someone else and fell in love. I was gutted. It hurts to even type about this. It triggered another depression and it honestly felt too painful to keep living. I wanted to die. I prayed for God to take me. I looked up how to commit suicide by carbon monoxide. I looked up how many Advil PM it would take to kill myself.

I am still in so much pain. I cry daily. My self-esteem is shit. I tell myself all the time how stupid and worthless I am and that I should just kill myself already.

But that scares me, too, because I no longer really believe there is any kind of Higher Power out there or something beyond this life. I believe dead is dead.

The woman she is in love with was born right around the time I graduated from high school. That makes me feel so old. Dried up, bitter and unlovable.

I know this is not healthy. I know I am fucked up. I know I am responsible for my own happiness. She is not. I am reading Codependent No More and Uncovering Happiness, the former of which focuses on creating your own happiness and not finding it through others, and the latter which seems to focus on mindfulness and self-compassion.

I have no self-compassion. I hate myself. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I walk through life feeling apart. Feeling prickly, defensive, over-sensitive and sick.

But it kills me to think of her with this girl. Kissing this girl. Cuddling this girl. Being intimate with this girl. It fucking kills me and I can't seem to stop obsessing about it. How do I let go? I pray and try to calm my mind by reciting things that soothe me, but my thoughts inevitably circle back to her and I am just devastated that she didn't choose me and once I'm there, the negative talk takes over. I'm stupid. I'm worthless. I hate myself. I want to die. I should just kill myself already. Over and over and over and over. I'm tired. I have 3 self-help books to try, but I'm tired. I feel like giving up. Like I am never going to have the energy or follow through to help myself. I'm just too tired.

If there is a Higher Power out there, please help me. Help me figure out how to help myself.